Permanent
by PhaiFan
Summary: Hephaestion is dying. Alexander knows it. Song fic based on "Permanent" by David Cook Sorry it's depressing...that's the mood I was in.


**Hephaestion is dying. Alexander knows it.**

**Song fic based on "Permanent" by David Cook. Lyrics are in italics. (beautiful song if you've never heard it…check it out)**

**I took creative license with the facts, so blame Oliver Stone if you want.**

**Nothing belongs to me…not the characters, the movie, not a damned thing. The only thing I own is my love for Alexander and Hephaestion.**

**This is the first thing I've written in many months, and it reflects my mood most of the time these days. Sorry about that.  
**

* * *

I want to pretend this isn't happening. I want to wake up and realize this is all a horrible, horrible dream.

But I can't.

I thought you were getting better. You seemed better. I was ready to go to the games.

But not now…

I can't leave you alone now. I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. I can't let you slip away if I'm not here.

I sit by your bedside and watch you sleep. I watch every breath, every movement, afraid to look away for even a moment.

My heart is breaking. My grief threatens to consume me.

You wake, and you look at me with eyes full of love…and pain.

**_Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?_**

**_Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry._**

The tears that I have been fighting are winning the battle. I can barely choke them back.

You made me promise not to cry. I can't help it.

I wanted to be strong for you, but you know me too well. I am weak when it comes to you.

I know there is nothing I can do, nothing I can say. Death is coming for you, and I am powerless to stop it.

The others, they tell me to rest, to eat, but I refuse to leave your side. I won't leave you.

But that won't stop death from coming, no matter how hard I pray. All my power, all my authority, it means nothing here.

**_And everything, it will surely change, even if I tell you I won't go away today._**

I tell you that I love you, and I grip your hand, trying to hold on to you.

**_Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand?_**

I wont' let go. Not now. Not ever.

**_And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head_**

Have no fear, my love. I'm here, and I'm staying.

**_I'm permanent._**

You drift back to sleep again. You wake less often now, sleep much more. Your breathing is labored, the heat of fever on your brow. I know you're in pain.

**_I know he's living in hell every single day._**

**_And so I ask oh god is there some way for me to take his place?_**

I pray to the gods. I curse the gods. I offer myself to the gods. I would do anything, give anything, my kingdom included, if it would bring you back to me.

None of it matters. I am nothing without you

**_And when they say it's all touch and go, I wish I could make it go away._**

The doctor says it could be any time now.

Please, death, come for me instead. I offer myself in your place.

You stir, you see my tears. You reach for my hand and try to smile.

There are no words to express how I feel. You are dying. You are in pain. You suffer greatly. And yet…yet you are worried about ME!

All you are going through, knowing you are dying…and still you worry about me.

You whisper to me softly. Tell me you love me. Tell me to be brave. I am not.

**_But still you say…_**

**_Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand?_**

You wonder how I will get along without you. You worry that I will feel alone, that I will have no one to turn to. You are right.

You are the most unselfish man I know. I am not worthy of you, I never was.

**_When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head._**

**_I'm permanent._**

Phai, don't leave me. I am nothing without you. I don't want to do any of this without you. Please…stay with me.

**_I'm permanent._**

I need more than your memory. I need you, more than anyone knows.

You said you would be with me always.

Please…

Don't leave me.

I am lost. I cannot hide my own pain any longer. I give in to the tears, to the grief. My chest aches and I cannot breathe.

I hold your hand…one last time.

**_Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?_**

**_Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry._**

Don't worry, my love.

I won't leave you. I'll follow you.

We will never have to cry again.


End file.
